Has Internet Dating Ruined a Time-Gone-By?

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Once upon a time, in the not-so-distant past, courtship had a rhythm, a structure, and - dare we say it?—a touch of romance.

Think handwritten love letters, hair in treasured lockets, and the nervous tension of the 'accidental' brushing of two hands.

Fast forward to today, and the landscape of dating has been steamrolled by the digital revolution.

Swiping left and right has replaced eye contact, emojis have usurped heartfelt words, and algorithms now play the role of matchmaker.

Has Internet Dating Ruined Romance?

Internet dating, particularly the rise of apps like Tinder, Bumble, and Hinge, has undoubtedly transformed the way humans connect.

But has this transformation been a love story or a tragedy?

The internet has arguably been responsible for many a successful love story, and has provided a platform for marginalised groups to find love in ways previously inaccessible. LGBTQ+ individuals, those with niche interests, and people in remote areas have benefited from the expanded dating pool. Apps have given a voice to those who might have struggled to connect in traditional settings.

But if Shakespeare were alive today, would he write tales and sonnets about ghosting and breadcrumbing?

The old ways of courtship, for all their imperfections, seem to have been relegated to the dusty corners of history, and in their place, we have a culture of instant gratification, endless choice, and paradoxically, a growing sense of disconnection.

Why Isn't It Working?

Maybe at the heart of the issue lies the paradox of choice.

Dating apps offer an illusion of abundance—thousands of faces, a buffet of potential partners at your fingertips. But here's the catch: when faced with infinite options, commitment becomes elusive. Why settle when the next swipe might reveal someone taller, funnier, more interesting? This has birthed what psychologists call the grass is greener syndrome — a constant belief that something better awaits you just beyond the next swipe...

This endless pursuit of perfection has not just diluted the meaning of commitment but has also bred a generation of daters who approach relationships with the emotional investment of a window shopper. Casual flings and temporary connections have become normalised, often at the expense of emotional depth. The rituals that once allowed relationships to blossom — slow, steady, deliberate — have been truncated into a game of quick judgments and disposable encounters.

Beware Of What's Lurking In The Shadows...

What of the psychological impact?

Internet dating has inadvertently become a playground for those with maladaptive relationship patterns. Apps designed for convenience have, in many cases, amplified some of the shadow aspects of human behaviour and the pursuit of ego-driven validation over genuine connection.

Relationship experts have also noted a rise in avoidant attachment behaviour — patterns where individuals fear intimacy and prefer to keep relationships at a safe emotional distance. The fleeting nature of app interactions can reinforce these tendencies, making genuine vulnerability feel risky in a culture of disposability.

'Love' Me

Ghosting thrives in an app culture where accountability is low and anonymity is high. After all, if you're just another face on a screen, disappearing requires no confrontation, no uncomfortable conversations — just the tap of a button.

And for some, this is like Amazon Prime - the options are simply endless.

Breadcrumbing involves leading someone on with minimal effort—sporadic messages, occasional flirty emojis, promises to meet up that never turn into an actual date, phone calls that are repeatedly arranged and then re-arranged — just enough to keep the other person interested but never enough to form a genuine bond.

Apps gamify attraction—matches, likes, and DMs all serve as micro-doses of dopamine, feeding into the same reward pathways as social media.

This performance-driven approach can attract individuals more focused on admiration than emotional connection, leading to superficial interactions and short-lived relationships.

For some, the goal isn't connection but conquest. The validation of being desired becomes more important than the relationships themselves.

It's a digital peacock parade, all flash with very little substance.

The Dark Side

Narcissists flourish on internet dating platforms like moths to a flame—or rather, like peacocks to a hall of mirrors. These digital spaces offer a buffet of endless admiration, allowing them to curate the perfect, filtered façade. Swipe culture fuels their ego, transforming the pursuit of genuine connection into a numbers game where matches equal validation points.

Ever noticed the love-bombing phase? That’s a narcissist’s signature move: flooding you with charm, flattery, and poetic texts at warp speed. It’s all part of the hook, designed to fast-track your emotional investment. But once the thrill of conquest fades, so does their attention — ghosting or subtle emotional manipulation often follow.

There are horror stories to varying degrees.

Some of them even end in murder. Comprehensive statistics on the number of women murdered by men they met online are limited. However, the term "internet homicide" is now used to refer to killings where the victim and perpetrator met online.

What If You Have Good Intentions?

What if the internet really does feel like you're only option, and you genuinely want to meet someone, but the abundance of dysfunction is causing you to get caught up in the maelstrom?

Consider the concept of ghosting, a modern phenomenon where someone simply vanishes from a budding relationship or - dare I use the non-committed term situationship - without explanation.

What I've observed with some clients who have anxious and avoidant attachment styles, or self-confidence and people-pleasing issues, is that ghosting (on their part) can occur because they simply aren't sure how to do it differently. It sometimes takes unpicking and coaching to learn how to politely decline, without feeling the need to over-explain, or take it personally if they receive something rude or abrasive back (which is often the anxiety). And to carefully explore what someone ghosting them has ruptured inside of them.

If this happens to you ask yourself: What is the feeling? Where is it in your body? What is the fear? What is the anger? What is the hurt? How old do you feel right now in this moment of vulnerability?

Good Heart/Avoidant Intentions

Let's try and diplomatically refer to it as an 'emotional convenience', an outlet that lets us sometimes escape the discomfort of direct communication and fear of letting someone down or upsetting them. But it can trigger abandonment fears and anxiety in the person left behind, sometimes to a painful degree, and I think most of us don't ever want to do that intentionally.

It's ok to say - 'I have enjoyed chatting but I've decided not to pursue things between us because I'm no longer considering dating for the foreseeable/I've met someone I really click with and want to focus my energy into one person/internet dating is like riding through the fires of hell on a bike with two flat tyres and no seat so I'm opting out. I wish you all the best on your search though! Best, X.'

Or you could go full-blown authentic and possibly say - I don't feel there's enough of a rapport/I was uncomfortable when you said X/I realised I still haven't processed my feelings about my ex so it wouldn't be fair to continue/my wife found my profile and now she's confiscated my phone.

Something along those lines.

Being upfront and clear is always the best approach. Remember, you are not responsible for someone's reaction to your feelings. How they respond is simply how they respond. It has nothing to do with you personally.

The Art of Patience

So, what have we truly lost in this digital transformation of romance?

The art of patience, for one.

The anticipation of a letter, the slow dance of emotional discovery, the vulnerability of putting oneself out there without the safety net of a curated profile.

The being able to sit in the not knowing and not be entirely in control of when love may stumble into our lives.

The swipe culture has replaced the poetry of connection with the efficiency of a transaction.

The Human Element

And yet, the blame cannot be placed solely on technology. Apps are merely tools, amplifying tendencies already present in human nature. The real issue lies in how we use them. Are we swiping mindlessly, treating people as options rather than individuals? Are we seeking a genuine connection, or are we chasing validation and ego boosts because we feel sad or need a distraction from our uncomfortable feelings about ourselves?

The solution? Perhaps it's time to reclaim some of the rituals of yesteryear.

Slow down.

Engage with intention.

Treat digital interactions as a gateway, not the entire experience.

Swipe less, connect more deeply.

Write a message instead of sending a heart emoji.

Seek depth over breadth.

Or, better still, learn the live in the moment and harbour the confidence to approach someone in real life. The worst that can happen is that they'll feel flattered and politely decline. But they'll probably proudly tell their friends that they were stopped in the street by a stranger and asked out on a date. And you will gain confidence, even in the polite rejections.

You will start to understand that it doesn't matter if someone said no. What matters is that you had the guts to ask the question and lightening didn't strike you down.

Ultimately, internet dating has not ruined romance entirely — but it has undeniably reshaped it.

Whether that reshaping becomes a renaissance or a cautionary tale depends entirely on how we choose to navigate this brave new world of love, one swipe at a time.